I'm feeling a bit tearful about my life today. I feel as though I'm just existing here and my talent, small as it is, is not enough to fulfill my life. I know I make hits and misses with my work, but everybody does. I just don't seem to make enough hits to justify my life existence. I guess I'm looking a my life through the eyes of others. In a crowded room, I not conformed by my peers. I float out of place and give an appearance of not belonging in this space I find myself in for this duration of time. But I must work. Just existing cost and raising the funds to pay for this existence requires me to work in spaces that are not comfortable for me or my peers to be at the same time. And giving into leaving this existence is not an option. For the only other existence to be in has not been proven to exist.
The other existence has been said to have to roads of habitation. One of peace and happiness. The other of chaos and anger all the day long. But the only proof is in how deeply you believe that this other place exist. And well, I guess I haven't got to the place where I believe deeply enough to find out. Not yet. But if it did and I knew for sure, I'll go there without hesitation.
I would talk to the gatekeeper and tell him my story. I tell him how much I suck at existing in that other existence. How my behavior was my handicap in life. That I never wanted to live that way, even though I was never really sure of what my peers thought of me. That what others say or didn't say, thought or didn't think played heavy on my mind. That I develop my own world of dreams and fantasy to fill the day. Some dreams like stories on television or a movie screen. Full of happy days and sad times, love and friendship, anger and revenge. But always wanting to be at peace with the world in the end. Always looking for peace. I ask the Lord above to help me with this living for just existence stake. I ask now to the gatekeeper, please give me peace.
But I have not come to that deep seeded belief. As a matter of fact, I believe that we have to go on to the time when the other existence is not longer a choice. It is the next step. So why push yourself to that step when you will probably fall and hurt yourself and someone else as they are trying to help you avoid that step. Or maybe you make the step, and the others behind you fall into that step that they were never prepared to take on. So I haven't taken that step into the other existence.
So you say to yourselves, why talk about this? Because I must open mind somewhere while I live out this existence. I must find a way to live beyond this existence. I've been to many for help, but nothings help so far. And so I realize that I must help myself out of my just existence to my life fulfillment. I know that some of this is just for attention. But doesn't everybody need attention? Yes, everybody needs attention! Don't lie and say no. We're born wanting attention.
Superstar attention, you look good attention, I want you attention and you are needed here attention. Wow, you are needed here. That would be a life fulfillment. The only problem with being needed is when the need stops or when someone doesn't like that you getting the attention and sabotage the need.
So why would anyone do that, sabotage need? Attention. How would they do that? They don't you do. By thinking that you are not needed anymore or that you are not getting the attention you were before when the attention was fresh and new. When the sun was shine so bright on you that you lit up like an actual star fallen to earth. An angel in the mist of all your peers. You could do no wrong. But like most people, there always a crack in the armor of our lives. As the good book says we are all born of sin and sinful nature is apart of our armor. But armor is a mere metal material and can be repaired and we must repair it with a strong filler. Where does one get this filler? One get this filler from continuing to exist first and find out how to best to live with who you are and ignore the others and find the ones who are like you. So while I'm just existing, I continue to hope for my life fulfillment, the ones who are like me. Working works for just existing, living works for fulfillment and the finding the one, makes life worth living. Till then, I'm just existing.
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